In the past year, I’ve been amazed at how little I thought about what my life would look like beyond college. The only thing I could imagine was “Oh, I’ll get a job.” It never occurred to me that I should have planned for something beyond that. Up to that point, I’d done everything I was told I needed to do and I mostly let life happen to me. All of this has been a struggle to admit to myself. I like to think of myself as a pretty smart person so looking back and realizing all of the stupid mistakes I made, and continue to make, has been rough. That last part especially, I’m still making these mistakes to make these mistakes. The reality is, you have to shape your life to make it look like what you want.
January was truly a hard year. I read one book, “This Love Story will Self-Destruct,” and spent the rest of the time in a slump trying desperately to make my way through a book I’m actually interested in. I’ve really just been too sad to read, and that breaks my heart. I haven’t written much (at all) either. I won’t say that I’m officially depressed since I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor, but it sure as shit feels like it. All this after I’ve acknowledged that I need to make a change, and I’m already planning to (more on that later). The thing about change is after letting life happen to you for so long, making a decision makes a hard left from the easy path is TERRIFYING. Even though the thought of not following through with my plans makes me sob and gasp for breath. I’m taking a risk and wading into uncharted waters for myself, and I’m scared, but I also know that I can’t not do it.
I wouldn’t say I’m chasing happiness exactly, but I do want to wake up not dreading my day. I want to give at least half a shit about what I’m doing, I want to feel a sense of ownership and accomplishment. It’s very easy to follow the expected path, and it isn’t always bad. But, listening to yourself and your feelings and allowing yourself to deviate is tough, but I think there comes a point when you absolutely have to try and I’m there.
I began this year really excited about the change and being more daring, and I won’t lie, the first 30 days nearly broke me. It would be easier to keep doing the same thing, but it would also be extremely painful.
Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers guys, I need it.
Sorry for the vagueness, I want to do a better series of posts once everything is a little more concrete.
How’s the start of your year going?