On book slumps, depression , and happiness

In the past year, I’ve been amazed at how little I thought about what my life would look like beyond college. The only thing I could imagine was “Oh, I’ll get a job.” It never occurred to me that I should have planned for something beyond that. Up to that point, I’d done everything I was told I needed to do and I mostly let life happen to me.  All of this has been a struggle to admit to myself. I like to think of myself as a pretty smart person so looking back and realizing all of the stupid mistakes I made, and continue to make, has been rough. That last part especially, I’m still making these mistakes to make these mistakes. The reality is, you have to shape your life to make it look like what you want.

January was truly a hard year. I read one book, “This Love Story will Self-Destruct,” and spent the rest of the time in a slump trying desperately to make my way through a book I’m actually interested in. I’ve really just been too sad to read, and that breaks my heart. I haven’t written much (at all) either. I won’t say that I’m officially depressed since I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor, but it sure as shit feels like it. All this after I’ve acknowledged that I need to make a change, and I’m already planning to (more on that later). The thing about change is after letting life happen to you for so long, making a decision makes a hard left from the easy path is TERRIFYING. Even though the thought of not following through with my plans makes me sob and gasp for breath. I’m taking a risk and wading into uncharted waters for myself, and I’m scared, but I also know that I can’t not do it.

I wouldn’t say I’m chasing happiness exactly, but I do want to wake up not dreading my day. I want to give at least half a shit about what I’m doing, I want to feel a sense of ownership and accomplishment. It’s very easy to follow the expected path, and it isn’t always bad. But, listening to yourself and your feelings and allowing yourself to deviate is tough, but I think there comes a point when you absolutely have to try and I’m there.

I began this year really excited about the change and being more daring, and I won’t lie, the first 30 days nearly broke me. It would be easier to keep doing the same thing, but it would also be extremely painful.

Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers guys, I need it.

Sorry for the vagueness, I want to do a better series of posts once everything is a little more concrete.

How’s the start of your year going?

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Fine tuning

Happy December and Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!!

I’ve been thinking about a few different things the last couple days. Since my last post, I finished two books and started reading two. That Goodreads goal isn’t going to reach itself, is it?

I worked on my novel a bit more, last I checked I was at 8400 words!

Mainly, I’ve been thinking about what to put up here. There were a few ideas that I started but none felt quite right. They all read too whiny. Of course, this is my blog and I can put whatever I want on here, but I don’t want to just whine…what’s the point in that? Well, it would be an outlet for me but basically useless to you so…no.

I said in the first post that I am still trying to figure out what this blog is, so that’s what’s happening.

First lesson: I want readers to get something more than a dose of bitching from me. I’d like to add value to your life, make you think a little if I can.

I’m working on the next few posts now: Favorite Books of 2017 and My Reading Goals for 2018. Maybe a Christmas Guide?

Stay tuned!

In the meantime, how’s December/Christmas planning going? My tree doesn’t have ornaments yet but I already bought gifts for two people!

Hello.

 

If I had to describe 2017 so far in one word, it would be tiring. Anymore than that and I would be waxing poetic about the emotional trauma of an unstable and prejudiced society. But I won’t because even talking about 2017 is exhausting.

I’ve been wanting to write a blog for a while, this whole year actually. But I can never seem to come up with things to write about. Most things seem so trivial when the president is goading a maniac with the power to bomb neighboring countries if not US territories (on TWITTER!). When he’s not doing that, he’s being blatantly racist and/or stupid.

Then there’s congress which…I can’t.

So yeah, 2017 is hard and I’m longing for the days of Obama, when the government fucked up every now and again, but at least I could live under the assumption that the people in Washington knew how to do their jobs–even when they chose not to do it well.

So what does one blog about at a climate like this?

 Books? Writing? Makeup? Skincare? Recent grad frustrations?

All of the above with a side dish of politics?

Honestly, I don’t know. I can’t give you inspirational quotes and tips on how to achieve your goals because I don’t know what works. We’re all on the same journey.

All I know is I need to start.

So welcome, and we’ll see what happens.